Today
(In addition to how to serve as an ally to POC and continue to contribute to our national movement towards justice and equity. Remember that it’s about a new normal not an isolated movement)
I am thinking about sex. Or really I am thinking about how I think about sex.
There are times where I will be interacting with a woman in a normal, positive way and my mind will ludicrously consider sex. Like it somehow has a place at the table in that interaction. In a matter of seconds, almost at will, my thoughts will begin constructing an elaborate fantasy involving this single positive reaction leading to a string of others eventually resulting in a bout of mutual honesty where both of us, despite the nature of our current relationship, confess feelings of attraction and end up forming a sexual relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, the thoughts are never aggressive and are not meant to be demeaning but the more I think about it the more frustrated I get that I have either been conditioned to view women as opportunities or that I have indulged myself in this thought process for far too long.
So today, and hopefully every day after today, I am going to do more than just police my actions and words. I want to consciously address myself whenever I see another human being as a sexual opportunity. That means even when it’s a string of thoughts and especially when that person has expressed not even a hint of sexual interest in myself.
I know some people might see this and think “Well what if they’re thinking the same thing! You could miss out!”. I also have been reticent to do this because I have had multiple partners criticize or express concern about me not being sexually aggressive enough and that makes me feel like I need to think about sex more, not less. In response, I would rather miss out on a sexual opportunity than miss out on having a genuine, ulterior-motive-less interaction with people that I might find attractive. That’s just where I’m at. I am sick of seeing women as opportunities. I’m sick of it affecting my actions, my speech, my understanding of who they are, my ability to put energy into relationships with people I may not be attracted to, and I am sure much much more. It isn’t worth it for me anymore. I am not sex deprived nor am I concerned with some primal instinct of conquest or passing on my “seed” and I would just like to do mentally better.
So no more brain worm whispering sexual fantasies into my ear. No more brain worm directing my eyes, influencing who I choose to connect with or “invest in”, and determining who I unconsciously ignore. No more!
For the record, I am by no means against sexually motivated people. I think sex and sexuality is fantastic, to be celebrated, explored, talked about, thought about etc. I am writing all this in case someone identifies with it or wants to talk about it. This is just me trying to deepen my relationship with others and come to terms with the way sex and sexuality affects (and maybe distorts) how I view and interact with the world.
Thanks for listening. Have a good weekend, stand up for something you believe in!