This poem is a revisiting of the first poem I ever really wanted to share on a stage. I read it at my first open mic and this poem was written as both a means of honoring the reopening of that open mic and a check in with who I am now. That poem was about sexual anxiety and self sacrifice and you can read it here. This one is not.
Because you see
I now have fire scorched hands and a soft light heart
Hard realities and have made and maimed on my start
I can't tell if it is length or brevity
That demands how life need to be mixed with tragedy
Deep inside I've been composing an elegy
And I so badly crave connection I will search on my hands a knees
You
Cause I've been obsessed with you for so long
And you and you and you and you with your clothes off
I never knew what it truly meant to feel blown off
Until all my pillars of you's had cracked and crumbled like
This shows off
And to this show off that fate had dusted through and through
When god took one look at my mess and said *poof*
Okay savior go off
Who
I'd really like to shout out who I am now
But I don't know yet
There's nothing like a wall of mirrors all in your damn house
To make you notice that
When everyday you have to spend to it with yourself
All that spending red eyed ledgers that you pay back with your health
I'm asking questions
Even further than before like who I am and where I'm going and why ain't anybody sure?
I'm the exception
Because when I make my mistakes and cut my hand on newer things and try to climb but learn to fall I'll turn to cry and dry as bones I'll wipe my eyes and spread my arms then I'll be flying after all
I'm the exception
Because when I make my mistakes I won't forget them
I will never let your world take my opinions
You can starve my inner child for days and weeks at your discretion
But I've been munching on myself like I am fish and loaves foredestined
Where
Shadow people banged hard on my walls
For days
Crying out welcome to Chez Lost
Your way
Problem is when you get there you might want
To stay
Especially when no one else seems to care anyways
I'm spending evenings even fighting in the ring I bleed in
And by ring I mean a box composed of locks and history's ancient screaming
I shove my face from rectangle to rectangle to mother fucking rectangle
All to make sure you can always charge up all your rectangles
And god forbid you ever dream more than some filthy erect angle
Because you are not a human being you are just somebody's best angle
So now I'm working to make hard all my walls
And name
Support more than just myself to remember why
I came
I know that this isn't it! But is it all
The same?
At the end of the day there's no One big enough to blame
Why
I've spent some time in the afterlife now I'm falling back to earth
Watching wispy white clouds turn to rain and ash as I burn
Terminal velocity is frosting me, comet stream into the urn
Thank god for the splash after the crash cause I'm alive even though I hurt
It's funny when a person aims so well with a cruel thing
Like when you get pushed from the cliff but the impact turns your past pains to a smooth sting
And in the same way that a ballad is a banger
40 days'll give their way to true believers in their savior
Out from the desert, out from anger, out from thirst and lust and beggars
I'm the adorer, I'm the alpha, I'm the filthy rat bastard omega
I am mistaken and I am slaking all my needs right now up here
I am nameless I am faceless I am feared
Because I swear to god I will care about you and I'll say your name each time
And I'll get used to the sting of remembering that you have forgotten mine
What
So with a slowly stepped
Anxious, cautious, quiet beating heart
I am breathing deep, flexing, stretching, moving all my parts
Because my shattered little pieces still fit together when I try
And I learned that asking "do you still believe?"
Comes way before asking “why?”