I feel violence under my fingers
And I don't remember putting it there
I paint my nails, to feminize them
To feel pretty instead of painful
I want to wear makeup
And women's clothes
I keep trying to distance myself from the violence in my white skin
From the violence in my genitalia
Why is it so easy to be a monster
Trust me!
Trust me!
I know that you trust me
I know that you think I'm different and I want to believe you
But what if I'm just a man
What if I'm just a man
Only a man
Women have raised me and taken care of me and made me and molded me
Men lie on beds of misunderstanding
Are allowed not to read social cues or feel responsible or obligated
Are ALLOWED not to develop emotional maturity because it is safe for them not to
Women have to feel those things because we make them
And then they make themselves and believe it to be their own fault
So I developed some of those things
To be better
I listen to be better
I am better
Unless those social cues and all that listening makes a better prepared predator
What if that violence hidden under my fingertips creeps out
What if that violence is just waiting to take advantage of this foundation for something better
I keep hearing that reform is code for different but the same
So what if I'm just reformed
Y'all are out here raping people all the time
Sexually assaulting people all the time
Like its common
Like any opportunity is good enough reason
Like we have no self control in the moment to consider consequences
I'm feeling it in my bones that the women in my life have been abused and we just act like its normal
Even with MeToo
Even with awareness
Every dark moment is the last vestige of violence
And they persist
I am so fucking terrified
That in that same dark moment after all this thought and work that I will be just like them
Just like a man
Just like you
Just like what you've done
And it'll be what I've done
And I'll have to go back and read this poem and know that I wasn't strong enough
To choose someone else's well being over a moment of pleasure
I wasn't strong enough or smart enough or empathetic enough or woman enough
I'm so scared of that
Because I think you're beautiful
I really do
I can feel it in my bones
That's what scares
My mind knows you're beautiful but I FEEL it everywhere else
And I want something from you
I can't not want something from you
Because I think you're beautiful
And every time I think you're beautiful
I feel like I am undoing and undermining you're humanity
Would I be asking you these questions if I wasn't attracted to you
Would I even have noticed you at all
How awful is that
What if every word I say is a trap
What if every painted nail is a cover up
and a lie
With my listening
with my emotional maturity
What if all this human condition and social justice work is another fucking act and gimmick
A more sophisticated sports car and suit
A more sophisticated set of muscles and boots
And just another layer of seduction and deception
What if I can't escape this birthright of violence
This birthright of a selfish nation
This birthright of rape, and greed, and hurt
Is it right for me to think you're beautiful?
When that thought has been the first step towards violence
Like a siren song
But you're the one singing
and somehow also the one being trapped
Is it even right to think you're beautiful?
When I feel the violence of that thought
Echo through ages of bad people and good people
All failing the same
All failing in greed, and compulsion
All acting violent
Is it right to think you're beautiful?
What about after an exchange of words
What about after a night spent together
What about after a month of friendship
Is it ever right to think you're beautiful when I don't know if you think it back
Is it ever right
When people who look just like me have thought it
And let it be their very first step
Towards violence