We either tell ourselves lies or become comfortable with the truth
I tell myself most people aren’t really gonna remember what I say, I don’t have that big an impact on others, they probably aren’t going to be upset because of you but because of them.
This is a lie.
People remember, they log you and your actions all of them, and they get upset about it.
But they also forget. So it’s not that bad of a lie and sometimes it becomes true if you wait.
But I don’t have to lie. It doesn’t matter what I believe, I am inevitably, despite best intentions and benign thoughts, going to upset someone. It makes me feel like I have sharp hands. It makes me feel like a prisoner in my own body. Wanting to interact with others and doing so poorly, every time, leaving a worse taste than before.
I hate it. And it stops my whole life in its tracks. My greatest weakness is leaving others with negative opinions of me because it makes me feel like I am going around damaging the people around me.
This too is a lie. Because what I believe is that by leaving others with a negative opinion of me I am somehow negatively affecting them. That isn’t true. People love to think poorly of others. They are having a ball or they are having problems but at the end of the day they will keep doing that with or without you in their own discretion.
The best part is that I, and you who identifies with this, you do it too. You ignore certain people, intentionally or unintentionally, and they are having exactly these kinds of self-worth related or self-worthless related thoughts because of some body language you did or didn’t give and some slip of the tongue they did or didn’t make. We are all doing it altogether cyclically focusing on the wrong people and ignoring the people focused on us. Or correctly avoiding the needy and attempting to allure the strong. Or simply sliding our glances off the unattractive and forever listing after the attractive. We do it all. God we’re horrible.