I'm miserable because my spirit's dead
Because I'm not sure how many of my friends are left
I worked really hard to get out from behind bars
To make a soft place in my brain
and chase the bad things far away
but today I felt the grip and I could feel the breath
A small part of me died today
It was soft...unceremonious...inane
I was grappling with the balloon in my chest
Expanding like my waist line
Expanding like my best guess
Full of empty air and putting pressure
On myself and where I'll end up next
The full stop was so gentle
Like a knife made of fabric
A pillow soft weapon that I accidentally made tragic
Today I reminisced.
I thought back on the past like it was magic
and for the first time in my entire life
Let my future be anchored in past tense
I thought:
"I have done worthwhile things so I will do them again"
And in a simple phrase found a tombstone graved
a small part of me passed away
Because I have never
Never
been comforted by the past before
this year has always been better than last year
Even though the past is supposed to be clear
This year has always been better because
THIS ME
has always been better
and yet today
I consoled myself by saying "look how good you were"
Today in that soft, and gentle, and simple act
of being comforted by the past
I laid down face first in soft down to choke
With the shame and admission that
I HAVE CEASED TO GROW
I'm shattered
and I thought about killing myself for the first time in years
Because I can't bear to see this forever child fear
I can't bear to cease changing
I was never so scared of failure as I was of stagnation
and for the first time in my life all I see are walls
The balloon in my chest expands a little more
and it's walls inside and out
my breath falls
tighter
walls inside and out
tighter
all that life compressed into a hyphen
tighter
between date and date
tighter
Today I would rather die
I would rather stop living
than live through myself not living
and I've never felt that before
and I'm scared