Until this day I never realized how frustrating it is for me to drink a little and then try to do something thoughtful
It's like focusing on something that never comes into view
I can just barely taste the dullness of my thoughts and my movements
Because I'm not drunk, that's different
Drunk me would never expect success at a sobering task
and if he finds it then he's pleasantly surprised
But when it's not obvious, when the impairment is just under your nose
It's painful, not funny
It can even be terrifying
I start to think...
What if it's me?
Surely a “minor” external factor can’t affect me this much
What if I'm not impaired and I'm just bad
What if I've peaked
What if I'm the problem?
So I try and prove myself wrong
I start throwing myself at the challenge
Determined to show myself how capable I am
Which means I am thinking even less clearly
and I find even less success
And I am even more anxious to overcome my own inabilities
until the cycle repeats and I am full on sliding
I am getting worse and worse at what I am doing and thinking worse and worse about who I am
It feels like the cartoon version of holding someone's forehead while they swing at you, obviously out of reach
but desperate to prove the situation wrong
Now imagine that being your life
I feel like that’s what it’s like when society is against you